Turtlerock Forum

has anybody heard something hysterical lately that we could reuse and make ourselves the life of the party ..?

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this)

(A masterpiece)

(Here it comes)

The bank manager looks back at her and says ..











"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I didn't think Mick Jagger had a frog son. It's possible i guess.

I was going to do the purple dot joke but it goes on for weeks. At that point some members may want to kill me.

Here are a few I posted on another site yesterday....

Ireland had it's worst air disaster in it's history last week - A two seater Cessna crashed into a graveyard. So far searchers have recovered more than 800 bodies.



Did you hear about the Polish space program? They got up to 700 meters and ran out of coal.
Did you hear about the New Zealand space program? They got up to 300 meters and ran out of scaffold.



Q: What will they call Bob the Builder when he retires?
A: Bob.


Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows because no one watches them.

nado1969 wrote:"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Oh, I'm going to slaughter that joke when I attempt to re-tell it. haha.

"no wait, did I tell you that the bank tellers name was patty whack. Let me start again..."

Thirteen wrote:Here are a few I posted on another site yesterday....

Ireland had it's worst air disaster in it's history last week - A two seater Cessna crashed into a graveyard. So far searchers have recovered more than 800 bodies.



Did you hear about the Polish space program? They got up to 700 meters and ran out of coal.
Did you hear about the New Zealand space program? They got up to 300 meters and ran out of scaffold.



Q: What will they call Bob the Builder when he retires?
A: Bob.


Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows because no one watches them.

haha. I like these ones. I'll probably be able to retell them ok too. lol.

You better set some boundaries Rick. This could get ugly.

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "What, Kevin?"

It was going to rain, but it mist....

A Kiwi Farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He says " Honey, this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache". His wife, laying on the bed, sits up and says " I think you'll find that's a sheep you idiot". He replies " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you".

tunetown wrote:You better set some boundaries Rick. This could get ugly.

this. im racist, sexist, inhuman, and generally horrible in joke mode.

How do you know there's a guitarist at the party?

He'll tell you.

How many record producers does it take to change a light globe?


I don't know, what do you think?

"a baby seal walks into a bar"


headman

Wouldn't it be "a baby seal walks into a club"?

re baby seals: My Inuits' are a little more vicious. A bar is less civilised than a club.


headman

An Aussie, a German and an American guy are drinking at the penthouse bar on the 50th floor of the empire state building. After a few beers the American says, “I bet I could jump out the window, hit the ground, walk back the stairs and buy another drink.” The guys laugh it off and then he does it. With drink in hand the American dares them to try it to which the shocked Aussie says, “I’ll give it a go mate.” He runs, jumps and hits the ground, “SPLAT”. He didn’t make it. The German was not so confident so the American did it again. The German decides to give it a crack so he runs, jumps, and hits the ground “SPLAT”. He didn’t make it either.

The American is rolling around on the floor with laughter. He goes up to the bar to order another drink to see the bar tender staring at him evilly.
“What” says the American to which the bar tender replies
“You’re such an arsehole when your pissed superman”

"I read on line the other day that some people don't hate be!@#$%^&!"

Kurt wrote:"I read on line the other day that some people don't hate be!@#$%^&!"

stop...stop

- how do you know when there's a singer at your front door?

- he can't find the key, but he comes in anyway.



- what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

- homeless.



- what do you do if you see a banjo player drowning?

- throw in his banjo.

So a vampire bat flies back into his cave after a long night , he is covered in blood and very tired
relieved that the cave is empty he slinks up to the back for some much needed rest
doesnt even bother to wipe the blood of himself ..

10 mins later 30 more bats fly in screaming" look at jonesy he is all covered in blood he must have snuck off and found a feed "
jonesy ... where did you get a feed of blood from from ..?

jonesy the vampire bat wakes up in a daze to 30 bats screaming
"show us were the blood came from ! ...show us where the blood came from !"

jonsey the vampire bat says
" come on guys i have had a hard night i am tired i have to rest"

"well that would be fine if this was a free for all but its not we are a vampire bat collective " says the head vampire bat
and at once thirty bats scream " show us where the blood came from .. show us where the blood came from !"

ok says jonesy the bat
"if i show you where the blood came from will you let me sleep in peace ?"

sure.. .. "show us where the blood came from ..show us where the blood came from !" they scream

so out of the cave jonesy the bat flies ..past the river... past the church
over to a farm and into a paddack next to the big hay shed
where all the bats land in a tree right next to him
"show us where the blood came from... show us where the blood came from !" they scream

ok ..says jonesy
"you see that shed over there .."

yes yes .. show us where the blood came from" they scream

well you see that big hardwood beam that holds the roof up ..

"yes " they say licking their lips

well i didnt ...

the home made "audiofool" stereo amplifier I repaired yesterday was pretty funny.

It consumed 120watts of power to produce 2 x 1.5 watts of audio output ....

Why did the blonde take a loaf of bread into the bathroom?

To feed the toilet duck.

Whats the difference between a flute solo and wetting your pants?

You don't get that warm feeling all over...

^ how high do i need to set my dirty mind processor, to understand that joke?

i get it up high, not so much down low.

A bear and a rabbit are fighting in the woods when they stumble upon a bottle with a genie inside.
The genie offers them three wishes each and the bear being selfish decides to go first.

Bear: “I wish that all the bears in my area were all female and I was the only male bear”
Rabbit: “I wish I had a shiny red bike helmet”

The bear turns and says to the rabbit “Are you crazy? You can have anything and you choose a stupid helmet. Oh well it’s your loss.

Bear: “for my second wish I wish that all the bears in the country were all female and I was the only male bear”
Rabbit: “I wish I had a shiny red motorbike ”

Again the bear thinks the rabbit is stupid.
Bear: “For my final wish I wish that all the bears in the whole world were female and I was the only male bear”

The rabbit puts on the helmet, kick starts the bike, pops a mono and while he rides off he shouts, “ for my final wish I wish every male bear in the world was gay”

How do you get a million dollar studio?









Spend 2 million.


this is a sad thread. it brings out the worst in all of us.

Actually the million dollar studio one, reminds me of a saying I heard in the aircraft industry. (friend is a flying grease monkey).

How do you MAKE a million dollars in Aircraft maintenance.

Start with 2 million dollars.

Ben M wrote:

Kurt wrote:"I read on line the other day that some people don't hate be!@#$%^&!"

stop...stop

Be!$(&%#& - it's whisper quiet....... I can hear it going shhhhh every time I walk past.


Why are all drummer jokes 1-liners?

So the rhythm guitarist gets them....

I'm fairly hopeless at remembering jokes but one that always comes to mind is the re-telling of a simple joke gone wrong, around a dinner table, totally unbeknownst by the joke teller:

"What do you call a sheep with no eyes?

(silence around the table...)

"No idea." (eye-deer).

(more awkward silence around the table...)

if you pick up a guinea pig by the tail it's eyes drop out



....