got a new joke ..?

[jasound]

Why did the farmer form a punk band,
cause he was sick of Hall n Oates.

[Lee]

How many punks does it take to change a light bulb?
None, punks cant change anything.

[audioio]

"What do you call a sheep with no eyes?

What do you call a stag with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a stag with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

What do you call a castrated stag with no eyes and no legs?

Still no f*@!ing idea

[Nigel99]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

...keep the tip

har har

[The Tasmanian]

Ive been thinking for days about the best joke I know..
The absolute best joke I can find is Tony Abbott......
Sorry guys - but there has been no bigger/better joke in this country for a long time.

[audioio]

The absolute best joke I can find is Tony Abbott

Yes, but that one's not funny.

[The Tasmanian]

its a tragic joke - more than a laughing one.....

[stosostu]

More "funny peculiar" than "funny, ha, ha".

[AnthonyMF]

Or laughing in the face of danger while a chill goes down your spine...

[spandex man]

Did you guys hear about those two condoms that were walking past the gay bar?

One turned to the other and said, "Hey, wanna go and get shit faced?"

[tecoma1970]

that's a truly awful joke













------
Amira Pyliotis - Musician etc.

[jkhuri44]

that's a truly awful joke
------
Amira Pyliotis - Musician etc.

gotta be kidding me??
thats the best joke posted yet!!!!

[stosostu]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

[no-fi]

that's a truly awful joke

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[Ausrock]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in theworld today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one religion and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then # 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


And while we're on the subject of education.............


Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr.Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you. First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[Ausrock]

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It too goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball which goes sailing over the fairway and heads towards the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth. As the fish is falling back towards the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in it's talons. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground the ball pops out of it's mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time"

[spandex man]

Whats the difference between a blond and a mosquito?





A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

[graemeh]

What's got two legs and bleeds?








Half a dog

[Jason]

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you". "OK" says 4year old.
Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be F@#$ing coco pops."

[Chris H]

Last night my wife rushed me to the Emergency Room as I was rather unwell. The doctor took her aside and said "Unfortunately, I don't like the looks of your husband at all. " The missus said, "Me neither Doc,...... But the kids like him and he helps around the house."

[Roy]

A train hits a bus load of Greek orthodox school girls and they all perish. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter asks the girls whether they have ever had any contact with a penis... The first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip of one with her finger. Peter asks the girl to dip the finger into the holy water. The next girl says she once fondled one, so sticks her hand in the holy water. Suddenly there is a commotion and one girl pushes to the front.

"Toula, what's the rush?" asks Peter.

She replies "I want to gargle that holy water before Effie sticks her arse in it!"

[stosostu]

spider.jpg

CLICK ON IT, RALPH.

[Thirteen]

A restaurant has a table full of South African Jewish ladies having lunch. The waiter goes over to the table and asks: "Ladies, is anything OK"?

[reddirt]

An Indian (from India) goes up to the pearly gates and says to St Peter (in your best Indian voice) - "I have come for God"

"Hey God.. your cab's here!"



Cheers, Ross

Ross Muir
Alice Springs

[reddirt]

Don't start me.......

A duck walks across the road from a building site to a pub and says to the barman, " I'll have a pie, sauce and a beer please".
The next day it again goes over from the site and orders the same thing.
The third day when it comes over the barman says to it, "I've got a brother who runs a circus, you and him should get together, you could make a lot of money".

The duck thinks for a while and says, " A circus....... thats a tent made out of canvas with metal and wood seating and a grass floor isn't it?"

"Yeah......."

"Well what's he want a tiler for?"

Cheers, Ross

Ross Muir, Alice Springs

[tunetown]

Russell Crow flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Rugby League and is so impressed he signs him to Souths on the spot. Two weeks later, the Bunnies are down down 10 nil with 10 mins left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and sends him in. The kid is a sensation, scoring 3 tries in 10 mins winning the game.

Excited, he calls home. "Guess what mum, I won the game today". "Oh, that's nice" says his mum, "meanwhile your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters".

The young Iraqi is very upset, "What can I say mum? I'm so sorry". Sorry? You're sorry? She says, "it's your fault we moved to Redfern in the first place".

[tunetown]

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "yes". They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality".

[tunetown]

This Planking craze is getting out of hand. My 85 year old neighbour has been lying face down in the vegy patch for 3 days.

[jkhuri44]

oh dear, you've opened the flood gates now...
im not touching this thread with a 10 foot pole.

i'll just lol on the sidelines

[Ben M]

Your showing great self control Jamil. Keep it up.

I'm struggling to find a joke funnier than any of the jokes above.

If I tell one I'm going to need a kick hit with a clamped cymbal hit struck at the same time directly after it. How are we going to organise that?